“What Games Should I Get?” Wii Edition

Posted by | December 18, 2008

So you’ve just slipped $250 into Shigeru Miyamoto’s g-string and come away with a lapful of shiny white Wii. But even though you’re willing to drop the better part of a paycheque on a gaming system, you have no idea what games you should shove into the blue and bright video maw of your gaming system. You know, that you bought to play games.

You’re not alone. In fact, dozens of people just like you have been cluttering up the message boards and forums I frequent, so it’s come time to do something about your incredible, if free-spending, ignorance. So then, I present you to the infallible Vox Ex Machina List of Nintendo Wii Games You Should Buy Right The Hell Now (Preferably From Our Online Store).

Super Mario Galaxy
It’s the latest Mario game for the latest Nintendo console and if you didn’t buy it along with your new Wii there’s probably something wrong with you as a person. Some people on the internet consider it the best Mario game ever, which is saying something, but they’re wrong. The best Mario game ever is Super Mario Bros. 3, but then again we can forgive them for the error since most of the internet’s population at the time of that game’s release was still a collection of spermazota waiting for the magical combination of Dire Straits and prom night.

Regardless, you should still add Super Mario Galaxy to your collection not just because it’s one of the greatest games of the current console generation, but also because, like the fabled Talisman of Rhi-Kai, the simple act of possessing the disc will improve your life in ways both subtle and vast.

Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
It’s no surprise that a Metroid game would end up on this list. What is extraordinary is that Corruption is perhaps on the finest FPS experiences to be found on a console system. The controls combine with the Wiimote to immerse you so deeply into the Metroid universe that you’ll need a towel to wipe off the slime. Aside from the raw gaming aspects, Corruption continues the Metroid staples of exploration, item gathering, solving problems while curled up into a fetal armoured sphere, and blowing holy hell out of strange alien creatures who are probably quite nice once you get to know them. Oh yes, and Samus is a girl, so there’s your Rule 34 porn sorted.

Resident Evil 4
It’s been a constant complaint against Nintendo that there are no “adult” games for the system, what with Wii games simply getting by on bright colours, charming characters, imaginative gameplay, and immersive controls that create gaming experiences to delight even the most shriveled and blackened of hearts. So to counter this strange accusation, Nintendo and Capcom ported over Resident Evil 4. And, just so the Playstation would know exactly who run Bartertown, they made it better.

Resident Evil 4 is a continuation of the popular series where the generic pretty-boy hero, in this case one Leon Kennedy, visits the quaint country of NotSpain and fights notzombies using, at long last, controls that notsuck. The entire game is a departure from the standards of Resident Evil, which is why it’s been enshrined as the best in the series and one of the better games of its generation. This is an action movie, not some kind of a jump-scare survival horror wankfest, and Capcom drops you eyeball deep in the notdead right out the gates. The combination of fast-action gameplay and the wiimote is a powerful one, sending you straight into panting, sweating, heart attack territory before you’ve even cleared the first village. Here’s a quick tip; yes, that is a chainsaw you hear, and you’re not holding it. Run. Run! RUN!

Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem
Okay, so it’s not a Wii game, per se, but unlike a certain hulking black monolith of a console that costs about $500 more and rhymes with “Playstation Tree” the Wii is fully backwards compatible with its cubish ancestor. This Gamecube game is worth picking up and it’s a damn shame you probably don’t own it already. Most people never even heard of Eternal Darkness, since it came out of left field while the Gamecube was struggling to fend off the bespectacled advances of the Xbox and Sony’s own awesome might. This is good news for you, since you can swipe it for cheap at the local used store.

The reason your life isn’t complete without this game is that Eternal Darkness follows a huge and involved story over about a dozen different characters while letting you decapitate zombies. The combat system relies on targeted attacks to take off limbs and rewards you for doing so. Also, later in the game, the magic system kicks in and it’s a disgrace you have to wait that long because it’s one of the better spellcasting mechanics I’ve ever seen in a game. There are a couple sequences where you’re given the opportunity to throw down in a magical duel with the bad guys, an event which involves timing your spells against the other guy, raising up defenses, tearing down his defenses, and unloading an enchanted elephant gun into his pulpy flesh. You can also use magic in stealthy cheating bastard ways to completely break the game over your knee, if you’re into that sort of thing. There is also the matter of Sanity Effects, little interesting events that pop up randomly to screw with your head. They range from minor camera tricks like tilting the screen up to meta heartkickers where the game goes and starts erasing your saves. But not really. Maybe. Pro tip for Eternal Darkness; there is a hidden item in the bathtub, and you should go get it as soon as possible.

Endless Ocean
This is not a game for the adrenaline junky, but it’s on this list anyhow because there just aren’t any other games like it. In this game, you take on the role of a diver who works for the world’s most laid-back boss and it’s your job to submerge into the inky depths and molest fish. That’s it.

What happens is you dive down and poke fish to fill up a log book. You can also collect various items and goodies off the sunken floor of the coral forests and dark abysses. There is a penguin you can pet. Amongst the beautiful and wondrous scenery of the oceans, you will discover no enemies, no boss battles, not a single timed challenge or desperate encounter. Just waves and flickering aquatic colours and the steady shump of your own breathing. There is song, though, a siren enchantress whose haunting notes will echo in your dreams.

The power of Endless Ocean lies in its ability to throw you down into a narcoleptic coma through sheer relaxation. Seriously, you’ll be playing the game and then your body will grow long, your heart will cease to beat in steady time, and as the currents swirl around you and the fish watch with glittering eyes, your consciousness will wash away from your corporeal form. A man could come home after losing his job, missing a leg, and having been beaten in the bleeding stump by Girl Scouts wielding his own dead dog, but a couple hours with Endless Ocean will make it all okay again. There’s also multiplayer over the internet, so that’s nice, too.

Wii Fit
Right now, I’m sitting on enough internet technology to peer into the very depths of your soul, so of course I’ve seen that picture you posted to MySpace. You need this game, and that camera angle does not help.

We live in a society of American slugs, and the problem is only getting worse. Check out your local Wal-Mart if you don’t believe me. Wii Fit isn’t the solution to all that, but we all need to exercise and at least this game helps you do it. Wii Fit is fun, in that Nintendo way of small joys and accomplishments, but it also tracks your progress and rewards you for completing various milestones. That makes it infinitely easier to stick to your routine, which is where all the real benefit lives. There are a couple blogs out there where people show off the gains they’ve made through playing Wii Fit regularly for a few weeks, and that’s cool, but the real reason you’re going to buy this game is it lets you play hula-hoops with that Miitler you built.

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